oh crap i am again in debt by £600 – i will need to work very hard to stop spending at all. how could i have done it again?
pain in head and body – maybe death really is an option?
oh crap i am again in debt by £600 – i will need to work very hard to stop spending at all. how could i have done it again?
pain in head and body – maybe death really is an option?
So after a long wait I have finally been seen by the physio, the podiatrist and occupational health. However despite being desperate to find answers to my HS and a way forward, I seem to have gained more conditions to my motley collection.
I have been told that I am hyper mobile and that inflammation of the tendons due to stress (ie bacterial/viral/auto immune and physical) is what is causing joint pains and stiffness. That I have a ganglion on my radial/carpal joint which is preventing full movement and causing immense pain. Hmmm so what now? Apparently it could be also a type of arthritis.
Ok so I know all this - there are names to the pains but what in hell is the way forward. Painkillers, help will remobilising stiff joints and underused muscles, realignment of my skeletal frame, however there is no real cure. More painkillers and more doctors argggh!
I fell down the stairs yet again because my knee locked and my ankle gave way – I can’t even wipe my bum properly because I cant use my hands well. Don’t get me wrong its not that bad all the time but I am seriously concerned because I am only 40, what's going to happen from now on?
I want a job, I want money back into my account, i want no more pain, no more doctors, no more people telling have you tried this or that like i am some kind of idiot who just does not think or try anything, I want to do more than sit around waiting to die.
So I ask questions, get a few answers and then ask more questions – you would think that between some 7-8 specialists someone would be able to help????
I am still in pain and each day things seem to be overwhelming. It seems easier to go to bed, eat or slob out on the sofa than to get on with life and living.
I am so worried about money and despite huge help from my father, there is still no money in the pot so to speak. Yet i keep spending money – why - i really don’t know. Its like why do I eat when i know that arse is the size of a small country, why do dally when there is tasks and work to be done, why do i keep doing this to myself?
Even getting washed, brushing teeth and general care has gone and i have had enough. Its so damned pointless. So with that in mind I have created a schedule and I am bloody well going to stick as best as i can to it – it paces me and ensures that things get done.
Please God help me to turn my life around and get a job and be back to how I was…i hate this lonely crappy existence.
I can’t stand her anymore. she does my head in. She steals all my ideas, plays on my illness and uses me at every opportunity. She avoids me when she knows she has acted without integrity and I think she is a smarmy lazy bitch.
She wants me to be the sad sorry person, so she can step in every now and again with a pint of milk or something and tell all her friends how awful my life is but she is such a fucking saint for helping me out. some help – its the scorpion type of help and if you were to tackle her she would act all innocent and play at not knowing what you mean.
An ageing wannabe that’s what she is and she has no original thought left in her head – she has to steal peoples contacts, ideas, creativity otherwise she would a shrivelled sagging fat cow. Nasty nasty person and I wish she had never been in my life.
She gets her old aged mother to travel to her to do her cleaning and then complains about her, she gossips about people without a first thought and she is a clumsy oaf of a woman.
Not content with my thoughts and contacts she has now gone and stolen from my friends. To date she has:
copied my blog idea
copied my e shop ideas
copied my creative work
patronised me about any sales I have done
checked up on how much money i have made
gone to the same outlets i have sourced and tried to get her foot in the door by saying she is a mate of mine
copied my website idea
not told me of selling opportunities when i have shared mine with her
has approached my friends because she has none of her own
Has used their contacts for her own end
uses me to do her work
told people she cares for me – as in does shopping etc. for me
arranges stuff and then just does not turn up or contact me to let me know she has changed her mind – then pretends she has and makes out that i am spaced out on painkillers and must be mistaken or says oh i thought you would not be well today so i didn’t bother.
and the list goes on – how on earth did I let the devil into my home, my life and my head????
Well the break from the bloody lesions was short lived. The minute I completed the course of steroid wham bang and another bloody lump appears and others flare up again. How on earth will I ever be able to work again I really do not know. There is no respite – I wish that a fraction of the predictions by the medical profession were true. The one about remission would be good…but yet again I am in pain, Cannot sleep and spending hours of my life crying and crying.
I am now so fat that it is ridiculous. I hate this body, I hate this life in fact I am so fucking angry about the whole damned thing. Guess the happy mood was short lived too. I wish that I could be more focussed, happy and directed but all I seem to able to do is eat, eat and fucking eat. Spent most of today lying on the sofa watching shit TV and stuffing myself with food.
I am broke in more ways than I could ever imagine a human being to be. Money is gone, health is gone, happiness is gone, friends are gone and people keep dying around me. If there is a God please save me from this hell.
Blue funk again…..